The semester ends for me tomorrow, and that makes me incredibly sad. The past few months haven't been without struggle, but they have been brilliant. Caronport is the farthest thing I can imagine from anywhere in the Vancouver area. But it is home. I do somehow love this place. I have been blessed in so many incredible ways here. I have incredible friends, true brothers who have my back through the hardest times and vice versa, and I'm incredibly privileged to be on RU. School and my job are so stressful, but they're okay. They will be okay.
But I fly into Vancouver on Friday, and I don't know what this break holds for me. Aside from this place, I have no real sense of home anymore. I'm staying with a wonderful family until boxing day, but after that I have no idea where I'm going. I won't be seeing K7 in Ontario this Christmas, I might be going out there to stay at another buddy's house, or maybe Minnesota, I don't know. I'm drifting, I feel baseless, as if I'm supposed to have an anchor somewhere, a place that no matter how far I go or where I am led, I can return to. But I don't. I've heard it said that this time of year, "the Holidays", make everything that's bad seem worse. I've felt that. But I don't want the Holidays. I want Advent, I want Christmas; I want to be so full of joy that I am saved and made free by Jesus Christ, and I don't want any of the world's focal points of this time of year to direct my eyes to the wrong spot.
I got forced into an unexpected goodbye tonight. I really hate goodbyes, largely because there is no person or group of people in my life that I will never have to say goodbye to. They take so much out of me. I don't want to leave here, I don't want to go back and drift, and have to find places to stay and sleep and eat. I want to rest. Jon Foreman's been playing a new song, and it says a lot of things that I feel, summed up in the chorus: "I want to thrive, not just survive." In all this heavy-heartedness, I need to remember that I have never thrived by looking to the past, by getting stuck in moments; greater things are still to come.
Matt, I'm going to miss you this break. It has been such a weird start to a friendship, but I think the person in control knows what's up. I think we met each other (not entirely because of Olivia) to build one-another up. And so, I pray that your time spent over the break will be enriching and fruitful.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya man. That 'baseless' feeling isn't the greatest, but in some senses it gives freedom by learning to adapt become more fluid.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some rest over the break though mate. Blessings.