Invade my heart.

Tonight was so incredible. God is so good. My dance team is such a great support. Volleyball was a blast. My roommate is a wonderful best friend and true brother. My life is full of things that I would never have believed I would receive. My sleep tonight promises to be wonderful and peaceful and enveloping. And my Father who gives me all of these things is phenomenal.

Always trust.

I’ve been really convicted lately about how easily I let worry and, for lack of a better word, untrust interfere with my relationships. It’s not exactly news at all, but I’m seeing more and more examples of it. I’m also really realizing that not only is it something that causes myself a lot of damage and stress, but it’s not loving. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul talks about what love is. It’s a pretty well-known part of the Scriptures, used often in weddings and such. I heard a sermon on it yesterday that proved pretty challenging. Could I replace the world “Love” with my name? “Matthew is patient, Matthew is kind”, etc? When the speaker got to “Love always trusts”, it connected deep. I don’t always trust. I have a really hard time not letting hurt from what seems like an unending amount of painful past relationships (of all varieties) rob me from the incredible ones I have now. I am failing to love people when I fail to trust them. I’d resolved in some pretty specific ways and in some specific friendships, not to tolerate worry or distrust anymore, to just walk away from it. And it felt done, I felt confident that it was done. But today I returned to the place I came home, and in the absence of many of the people I love so much here, I found much reason to worry, much reason to have anxiety or even feel hurt, by people that are wonderful to me, and then feeling more upset that they’re not here for me to spend time with and kill these feelings and I feel stuck in them, and that’s when I realized that I really can’t decide on my own to just not worry anymore, I can’t decide just to have consistent trust. I need so much help from the Lord in this it’s not even funny. Father, help me.

I’m really hoping this week doesn’t end up being as lonely as it feels it will.