I've been dying to say this to you and I don't know what else to do.

1. The song I wish you'd sing to me.

2. It's hard to describe the agony of sitting and waiting for a message that you know can't possibly come for at least another six or seven hours.

3. Tim said today that he's calling and quitting his job. Firstly, because it's been a long time coming. Secondly, because it's my last day in Fredericton and he wants it to be sweet. Not exactly sure how any day in Freddy can be sweet but we'll milk it.

4. I really just need the one still small voice right now.

"Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday: graduating, saying goodbye. That feeling that you get at 18 or 19 that nobody in the history of the world has ever been this close, has ever loved this fiercely, has ever laughed as heard, or cared as much. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and sometimes it feels like someone else's memory."

My heart is ready but my ankles are chained.

I'm ready to be free - why won't you let me?

Eustace.

In the darkest night, you're a blinding light that allows me to see.

Overwhelming love, you who reign above, light my way, light my way.

This is the darkest time of my life and I know it should be the time in which I see him the brightest but I don't. I don't know how to get out of this mess, my heart hurts so much that I feel like it's going to kill me. I could really go for a moment like in Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Eustace becomes a boy again. If I need to be hurting, I would love for it to be in a peeling-away-the-crap-to-get-things-back-to-as-they-should-be. I don't know if I've ever been in greater doubt that my suffering has a purpose proportionate to the pain I'm experiencing.

I'll always remember an episode of Veronica Mars where V turns to Logan, who did something horrible to her, and declared as she was fighting back tears: "This is something I'm never getting over." She said it like she was punishing him, like he was the one who had to bear the heaviest load out of the two of them... Let me tell you, now that I'm hurt beyond anything I can recall, there is no comfort in such declarations for me. I can tell those who hurt me that I'll never get over this, but they're not the ones being punished - I am. I'm in a prison of unforgiveness.

I started last year at Kaleo to really try and forgive people before they asked, regardless of whether they ever asked, regardless of if they were ever sorry. Have I lost that? Was that ever as much of a challenge as it is now? I really don't know, I really don't know.

I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that I have testified to this: The chasm was far too wide, I never thought I'd see the other side, but your love never fails. Your love never fails. May I one day (soon!) testify to having reached the other side of this chasm, one far larger than any I've encountered before. And may I never be in this place again.