Stoked to try these out tomorrow :)

Thrive.

The semester ends for me tomorrow, and that makes me incredibly sad. The past few months haven't been without struggle, but they have been brilliant. Caronport is the farthest thing I can imagine from anywhere in the Vancouver area. But it is home. I do somehow love this place. I have been blessed in so many incredible ways here. I have incredible friends, true brothers who have my back through the hardest times and vice versa, and I'm incredibly privileged to be on RU. School and my job are so stressful, but they're okay. They will be okay.

But I fly into Vancouver on Friday, and I don't know what this break holds for me. Aside from this place, I have no real sense of home anymore. I'm staying with a wonderful family until boxing day, but after that I have no idea where I'm going. I won't be seeing K7 in Ontario this Christmas, I might be going out there to stay at another buddy's house, or maybe Minnesota, I don't know. I'm drifting, I feel baseless, as if I'm supposed to have an anchor somewhere, a place that no matter how far I go or where I am led, I can return to. But I don't. I've heard it said that this time of year, "the Holidays", make everything that's bad seem worse. I've felt that. But I don't want the Holidays. I want Advent, I want Christmas; I want to be so full of joy that I am saved and made free by Jesus Christ, and I don't want any of the world's focal points of this time of year to direct my eyes to the wrong spot.

I got forced into an unexpected goodbye tonight. I really hate goodbyes, largely because there is no person or group of people in my life that I will never have to say goodbye to. They take so much out of me. I don't want to leave here, I don't want to go back and drift, and have to find places to stay and sleep and eat. I want to rest. Jon Foreman's been playing a new song, and it says a lot of things that I feel, summed up in the chorus: "I want to thrive, not just survive." In all this heavy-heartedness, I need to remember that I have never thrived by looking to the past, by getting stuck in moments; greater things are still to come.

This day, last year, was so huge.
So big, such a gift.

Somebody made you cold,

You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.

This is not even a little bit welcome...

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Just got this in my student box...

Dun dun dunnnn.
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When you feel so tired that you can't sleep,

stuck in reverse.

When you lose something you can't replace; when you love someone and it goes to waste could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. I will try to fix you.
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Longing.

The weather is changing and breaking my stride.

If only if snowy-touched mornings would stay snow-touched. Not slushy or blizzardous. I'm going to hate my walk to school soon.

Want More / Prayer for tomorrow.

We had our second performance of “Want More” tonight, in Swift Current. I really wish we’d gotten the chance to do it more this semester, but scheduling issues and stuff had prevented that. Now we’re gearing up towards our contribution to Caronport’s Christmas production which will be very different. After that, we’ll be starting “Secrets”, which will hold a really cool opportunity for me to share my story through dance.

Now I need sleep, because tonight was sweet but my mind does race and my heart does ache and it’ll be okay but right now it’s a bit heavy. My buddy talked tonight about how when he feels sick he goes to sleep and it’s such a relief, almost like skipping over it… That’s how I feel with discouragement/attack a lot of the time.

May tomorrow be light. May my heart take joy and may conversation be uplifting, reflective of truth and powerful for the kingdom. May some incredible memories be made tomorrow.

Just found this on Facebook... I don't know who the guy is who was taking these, but there aren't really any with me actually dancing. Hopefully there'll be some sick ones surfacing in the future.

Tonight / kick-off.

This is our 5-minute go-to kick-off dance that we do for conferences and stuff here and there. Our actual show is over 40 minutes.

We just started working on a show we'll be doing for Caronport's Christmas musical, which will be very different but tons of fun so far. I love all the different styles we get to touch on in this team.

Nothing can separate, even if I ran away - your love never fails.

You stay the same through the ages; your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning! And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that you love me and your love never fails.

I want to be forever young.

In anticipation of flying to Vancouver Island to see him one last time before he moves back to New Zealand, I’m rocking a pic of me and my good kiwi buddy Nathan on my Blackberry this week. Can’t wait ‘till Tuesday!

I know it's only one day in, but I'm kind of having a rough time with mod break. I know it's really sweet that I've got a job and that I'm able to pay for my education, but I really feel as if I'm missing out on the opportunity to rest, to have a break, and instead am working eight hours tomorrow when it's the last thing I want to do. Most everyone is gone, and this is a very lonely town right now. Caronport doesn't feel like this usually, but I feel incredibly heavy-hearted. I don't know why exactly.

I can't wait to get back to the coast and see a bunch of people I miss and love very much.

Feeling so fly, like a G6.

It is so late but I feel like there's something to do before I sleep, because I'm being kept up but not in a bad way so here goes.

Things have been so sweet! God is so good to me in so many ways, it just blows my mind. Actually! There's always so much to be thankful for and to celebrate and it's such a blessed time. I don't want it to pass too quickly, yet I can't wait for what's coming!

First, RU. Things are going super well in Refined/Undignified, it seems each week we become more and more of a family. We're learning a new show (well, new for those of us who haven't been on the team before) called "Want More" and its so much fun. It's of course mostly hip hop but we've also been learning other styles such as "sexy salsa" and ballroom, for brief bits of some dances. Such a blessing and a joy to be doing this. Early work is also starting for a brand-new show called "Secrets", for which I'll be helping create a segment that I'll feature in which is thrilling and intimidating but more than anything exciting.

This week we had day of prayer and it was INCREDIBLE to see what the Lord did amongst the guys in my dorm in freeing them of heavy, heavy chains and stirring up compassion and love in our hearts for one another and the struggles and burdens we're facing. Victory was seen so clearly. I'm seeing much of what I saw in Kaleo but in very different ways, as this isn't a small program of 28 students; but a campus of hundreds, a dorm of 50, a team of 15, a quad of 4 and so on. There are many different communities I find myself in concurrently.

I'm learning so much, mostly outside of the classroom (ironically). Tons about the Body of Christ (the church and what it was REALLY meant to be), the Holy Spirit, purity, brotherhood, love, transparency, perseverance and trust in the Lord. God has really blessed me with incredible people out here who are looking out for me and help me out in really huge ways, and giving me tons of opportunity to step out in trust and truly abide in the love he provides.

I'm also loving the Word like never before. Reading the Bible no longer seems like an obligation, but a compulsion! It is such a joy and the Lord is speaking to me through His Word in some huge ways.

2 Corinthians 1.3-5 says:

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ."

There have been times in my life that I have been familiar to suffering, but my days here are full of His comfort. Don't be confused, my walk (/race) with Christ is not characterized by suffering. Rather it can be characterized by opportunity, blessings, providence, healing, love, freedom, truth and victory; this is my life abiding in Him, and He is good and worthy of my faithfulness, even on a road marked with suffering - He is worth persevering for! He's the only One worth living for, the One who provides life itself!

"When all of a sudden, I am unaware of my afflictions, eclipsed by glory; and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. And heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest - I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us!"

'How He Loves' by David Crowder Band.
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I Love College!

What an epic night! Took my Rebel out for a shoot, had a painfully easy shift and got off work early, got up to some adventure that cannot be disclosed, but, rest assured, was incredible, got some ice cream and a sub at The Point, then rented "Speed" and watched it with my roomie James. Tomorrow - thanksgiving and my Sabbath! Absolute rest. A much-needed break. Thank you Jesus.

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The few students still in Cport for thanksgiving watching the game at The Point.

I get to close the place myself for the first time tonight :)
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Psalm 18:4-6, 16-19

The ropes of death surrounded me; the floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death itself stared me in the face.
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears.

He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.

He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me.

They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me.

He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.

True stuff.

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me.

Two things you told me;
You are strong and you love me, yes you love me.

Your love is strong.

i need Your loving hand to guide me through the maze of all the things inside me.

... And let me know that I'm alright.

Tonight is hard. I know that You are at work. I see it unmistakably, all around me and far away. You won't relent until you have it all. You are good and you stay the same and your love is strong and I am loved by you.

Right now all I want, though, is for everything to stop. For life to pause and for someone to hold me close and help me make sense of this, or tell me to forget it, that I don't need to remember the struggle because it's over, that there is freedom in more than just spring.

If joy comes tomorrow morning in any way proportionate to this, I will be swept over with it. Please Father, let it be so.

It's been a crazy few weeks to say the least. Refined/Undignified has had our first two performances; the first in Lethbridge, Alberta for a youth conference (we performed the kick-off and then led workshops over the weekend), the second for a Pakistan Flood Relief benefit here in Caronport. I've been working TONS (stupid much) and trying not to stress out about school.

I've been really enjoying my time and loving the fellowship I've been having, super-blessed to have the brothers here that I do, and I've been soaking up the Word like never before. It's not an obligation, it's a compulsion, something I'm deeply enjoying.

Things are prettyyyy sweet.

Deuteronomy 11:22

"Be such a man, and live such a life, that if every man were such as you, and every life such as yours, this earth would be God's paradise."

Phillips Brooks (1835-1893)

Lethbridge / Identity.

what a good weekend!

Which to bury, us or the hatchet?

"i remember her always saying that she was scared she would loose you.

i guess her fear became a reality"

It's really tragic when someone is so scared of things falling apart that they take a jackhammer to them themselves. This person never lost me, I've tried and I've tried to keep it alive, and I'm still here for when they realize that nothing warrants this outcome.

Inception.

Incredible!

You're not a slave, so get off your knees.

I thought today was the day,

but you made it yesterday.

Like transatlanticism.

Had a Skype chat with Nathan, Paul, Daniel, Matt and Phil tonight. I miss them so much and it's weird to think that a good chunk of them I wouldn't even have known if God hadn't changed my plans for the summer, if I'd kept with TWLOHA and not gone to camp. So, so sweet, the way he looks out for us and has plans for us, plans for good and not for harm. Love these bros!!! And the ones I'm meeting now.

“Why are we so interested in building up walls? And noticing the distinguishing characteristics that keep us apart? We’re one body. Where God has put together let no man separate us. You can take that as a marriage or you can take that as a church. But you can take to the bank that God didn’t want his people destroyed by bickering and arguing…. We are one…”

—	Jon Foreman

I will ____ this place.

My roommate James.

Jai ho.

I’m well into my second week here at Briercrest, and so far it’s been awesome. Today itself is pretty discouraging (I’ve felt tired and sick all day and just missed half an hour of Psychology class because of a nosebleed, and I’m feeling pinched for time and sleep), but overall it’s been super rad.

Classes started last Monday, which has been good to get into the classroom. It’s very different than at Kaleo; in Kaleo we did all of our courses as mods, so having classes that only last an hour and twenty-five minutes feels really light. But homework is more ongoing and it’s harder to keep up with the pace of it all, and the inconsistency between classes is kind of frustrating. Some of my classes and profs are incredible, others I am wondering why I am paying so much money to take them. I have some incredibly personable profs, but one who, as a person and a teacher, just drives me up the wall. I’ll get used to it, I’m sure.

I also got a job! I’m working at The Point, the only real social center in town. It’s got a coffeehouse, a c-store, a gas station and a Subway. I’m working at the Subway, as a Sandwich Artist, and it’s pretty fun, a great way to serve my peers and make funds.

The biggest news, however, is that I made Briercrest’s hip-hop dance team, Refined/Undignified! This is a ministry I’ve wanted to be a part of since I heard about it two years ago when I was here at YouthQuake for Dollar a Day. In the way that I ended up on the team the Lord’s hand was quite evident and I’m very excited for what is to come. We had a teambuilding retreat this past weekend in Swift Current, a town an hour and a half or so away from here, and I’m really thankful to be on this team – which presents, athletic, dramatic, artistic, social, travel and ministry opportunities – and excited for the adventures we’ve got together ahead. Our first practice is tonight and our first performance is in Lethbridge, Alberta the weekend after this one. We’ll be learning one of the two shows that they performed last year, as well as making a new one. I’m not sure how much we’re supposed to talk about that yet but I’m very, very excited for it – it’s going to take a lot of what R/U has been doing for the past seven years to the next level.

For more information on Refined/Undignified, check out www.refinedundignified.com , and I'll certainly be posting more about it in the future.

This will be my last confession;

"I love you" never felt like any blessing.

Hello from Caronport.

I’m more or less all settled in at Briercrest now, living in Lewis Apartments. Jame-o’s not here yet, so I’m lacking in the roommate department, but the guys on my hall are really rad and more and more good friends of mine show up every day, and we have 25-minute introductory classes today, and I have all my books and stuff and have been getting into the campus life, reuniting with missed friends and meeting new ones.

My Kaleo bro Ben, one of many good friends I've been reunited with for the year.

Pocahontas v. Avatar

It's crazy how similar these movies are. Hahaha... James Cameron is so full of himself.

What a day. 14 months, over. What an end to such a big chapter of my life. Donezo. Next up... Caronport, Saskatchewan.

I have no idea where I'm going to end up by this time next year; it goes from being intimidated to thrilling to back again. Grace has led me safe thusfar, and grace will lead me home. Lead me to a home, Father.

Challenger.

Rivera left yesterday. Ellie, John, Bob and myself (the Qwanoes K7 contingent) came together to say goodbye to her yesterday at tuck, circled up and prayed and said goodbye and laughed (though Ellie and Rivs were crying), and sent her off... it sucks, the circumstance under which she was leaving, the risk that it is... but we often have to take risks to make gain. Really proud of these steps she's taking, going to miss her a lot in this last week-and-a-half.

Light up this whole town.

Yesterday was staff day off, and TJ, Sarah, Victoria, Dan and I went out for the night. We started at DQ in Duncan, hit up Wal-Mart, and found out that we couldn't see Inception anywhere except Vic, so After a bit of persuasion, we decided to make the drive. We drove through the Malahat, and it always amazes me how beautiful it is. Though I don't plan on living in BC again after I leave at the end of August, I will miss the drives; the Malahat, the Sunshine Coast, the Sea-to-Sky. There's nothing like it anywhere else in Canada. We drove the 45 or so minutes, all belting out Taylor Swift songs (minus Dan, who either didn't know any or chose not to join in). It was such a fun night, my heart was light, there was a sense of adventure and the movie was incredible. Times like these are such a blessing.

Write something down; the lyrics to that song, the people that you love, the one moment today that was worth hanging on to, a conversation you want to remember, something you want to do tommorrow, a list of places you would like to see. Something that is beautiful in the middle of the chaos. Write it down because it is real.

(via here we collide, a new project of to write love on her arms.)

To fix what's broken.

Before this week began I was reminded, in a simple, stripped-down way, why I'm at camp. Why ministry exists. To fix what's broken. And this week, I've been put in a cabin that is 100% an answer to prayers for opportunity to do so. I'm wearing thin, I'm tired, and I'm being emptied, but I have so much joy because I know that this is so good. Praise him from whom all blessings flow, because this is a blessing; Praise he who empties me for his glory, because it is a joy to be filled and emptied by him!

I'm so worn out but this is easily my favourite week of the summer. Thank you Father.

New York, these streets will make you feel brand new.

I can't wait for season two, and for their version of "Empire State of Mind." Sosososo stoked.

Family camp.

This week is family camp. It's pretty chill, to be honest. I'm working with Ozone, a youth group of sorts for 12-14 year olds. It's nothing like counselling at all. I'm also working challenge course, for a lot longer hours than usual, but we get way more hours off in a day than we usually would.

But I am sick. Very sick, off and on.

And I am tired; all the lack of sleep from the first 5 weeks of this summer is hitting me hard.

And I am discouraged. I don't know that I can go into it on here, or that I'd even want to if I could... but my heart is in shreds. It really, really hurts. I can't muster up much hope at all, and I feel overwhelmed and hurt and kind of scared. So... please pray?

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

I'm on the left, with my buddy Nathan from New Zealand.

1. I've been on more flights in the past 8 months than I have in my entire life. Flying used to be a very rare occasion, now it feels like routine.

2. I've also hit more states since this last year of college than I have in my entire life. I went from having been to four American states to seeing most of the south, fifteen states in twelve days. I really wish that the tour had worked out.

3. I've been meeting a bunch of sweet new people this summer at camp. Very much the silver lining to not being able to finish the internship.

4. My current favourite song is the new Taylor Swift single, "Mine".

5. My other current favourite song is "Light Surrounding You" by New Zealand band Evermore.

6. I'm kind of homeless. Sometimes that terrifies me, other times it's exciting.

7. I really need to learn to manage my finances.

8. I flipping love the TV show Glee. They just released a novel, like a prequel to the series, and I can't wait for it to come in the mail. I started watching it after my cousin died, it's such a feel-good show.

9. I'm also waiting for a letter from Tessa in the mail. I love letters so flipping much. I'm also waiting on one from my buddy James, but I don't think that will ever come.

10. I went swimming last night in the ocean, and I've never swam in phosphorescence - it was like fireflies surrounded my arms and legs while I swam... one of the most magical things ever.

11. When I was twelve I was published for the first time, in a magazine called The Magazine Not For Adults.

12. I was also published in The Province for winning a contest to write your own ending to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows... this is how I skipped the 2-hour line at the midnight book release, and is also actually how me and Tessa became friends.

13. Most recently, I wrote the foreword to my friend Jon's book, which is now on sale in book stores and online.

14. I've hung out in the $16,000,000 (est.) penthouse suite of Shangri-La on more than a few occasions - each time without an invite, and each time more epic than the time before.

15. I can't wait for school in the fall; I'm going into my second year at Briercrest, going for my Bachelor of Arts in Youth Ministry. So so so stoked.

some of them seem dumb, but some of this could be cool.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog's name

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Day 12- Why you made your blog

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

Day 26- What you think about your friends

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

Day 30- Who are you?

This is the end, if you want it.

Today I learned some fun facts about my BFF, Relient K frontman Matthew Thiessen...

#1. He's helped make at least four songs off the new Jack's Mannequin record.

#2. He dated Katy Perry. (She kissed a girl, maybe he minded it.)

#3. His engagement broke off earlier this year (Maybe his fiancee minded it too.)

#4. He name-drops John Mayer, Vedera, Natasha Bedingfield, and Lights.

#5. He just started his first full-length solo record.

While I'm becoming more and more dubious about his character each day, I've at least got some sick new music to look forward to.

Alive Inside was such a good night. Got to shoot it on a really good camera as well.

It is very hard to say goodbye to five people.

I'm hoping we could make some wishes out of airplanes.

Last night me and Nathan took our cabin to sleep on the skate park for the night, and we told them to lay back and look at the stars. As we did, an airplane passed overhead, and a couple of my boys started singing: "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?" Some of the other boys told them to be quiet, that it was a dumb song, etc., when all of a sudden an actual shooting star joined the airplane and shot across the sky. Then the whole cabin burst out "CAN WE PRETEND THAT AIRPLANES IN THE NIGHT SKY ARE LIKE SHOOTING STARS?" and all the ones who'd been down on the singing before kept raving, saying how cool it was, and Matthew did you see that, and wasn't that incredible. Junior high kids are hilarious, and I always take away the funniest memories and inside jokes with them. These weeks are so sick.

At least we live tonight.

Jamie Tworkowski just blogged on a pretty cool song called "Ring the Bells" by the band Satellite. It's pretty sweet, and got sweet words. You should check it out.

those that know you most can help you to live again

so keep them close, as you make your new start.

well, ring the bells that lead you home

'cause the only truth i've ever known is that nothing ever hurts us more than love.

so circle up your best of friends, and we'll celebrate the way it ends.

at least we live tonight. at least we live tonight.

sometimes the best in all of us can still break down

and still give up on love, but it's never gone.

There's nothing left to beg for,

You're not sorry anymore.

I see the King of glory, coming on the clouds with fire.

This week is already looking like something fantastic. Not only is counselling with Nathan, a guy my age from New Zealand, a super sweet match, but it's a Junior High week! My favourites. It gets better though... for the first time ever, I have some campers who I had last summer for a second time! I actually had a picture of me and them glued in the back of my bible since last summer. It's so sweet. We had the most incredible conversations ever last night, huge questions... By far the best first night in a cabin I've ever had, and one of the better ones in general as well. My prayer is that this would be tip of the iceberg, and I echo Nathan's prayer that we'd really see the heart of what's going on with these boys, in their lives and faiths. I'm praying that parting with these boys at the end of the week would tear me apart like never before.

Also really sweet is being made a Club Edge host this week, so I get to hang out with a group of 5 guys and 5 girls during activities this week, and go with them to all of the more intense activities (challenge course, rocket dock, water skiing, biking, etc), and I have a boy in my group who I counselled during a retreat in Kaleo and had made a note to pray for when he left (hadn't kept up with that very well, unfortunately...) so that's really sweet as well! My prayer is that I'd be able to build really significant relationships with these campers as I adventure with them, as one of my few clear memories of being a camper was hanging out with my Club Edge leader.

That's all for now, I'll try and throw pictures up as much as I can... Often I haven't uploaded them and gotten them sorted until after I've blogged, so they might be in separate posts.

"Oh happiness, there is grace enough for us and the whole human race." - 'Oh, Happiness', David Crowder Band.

You won't relent until you have it all; my heart is yours.

It's just past midnight and I'm writing you from the Hogwarts owlery, also known as Spring Woods cabin line (first came many a Deadmau5, then it was just Owl City... And then came the endless band name / Harry Potter puns). I just finished a testimony sesh with kiwi Nathan, aka "Ping-Ping", my co-counselor for the next week. The junior high kids come tomorrow and I am so stoked! The last two weeks of juniors camps have been valuable, but this next age group is where my heart is most. I'm really thankful for so many aspects of this week coming up and can't wait to see what happens.

Yesterday was an interesting one, however. I ended up eating at the very same White Spot I did immediately after leaving Kaleo, also in the context of goodbye. Gareth left yesterday, a guy from Northern Ireland who's been here the past month. I was really sad to see him go; he was one of the few new guys I'd really gotten tight with so far this summer and I really hope to be able to visit him in the next year or two. Really thankful for that brother in Christ.

We also had a communion service for the staff tonight, which was so good. There's so much love amongst the team here, especially the male counselors, so much that gives me real excitement and hope. As I was praying with Braden tonight I realized how fortunate I am to be able to look forward to three more years journeying alongside him, when for a long time I thought I would never see him again. I've got much to look forward to, this week, this fall and beyond. There's much that I worry about as well, but as long as I've got a place to live and friends to love and do life with, I'll be okay.

I'm so excited for so much and finding myself able to take heart and joy in so much!

"Maybe a greater thing will happen... Maybe your love will catch like fire as it burns through me" - 'Beautiful Love', The Afters.